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LIVE BOLDLY with Sara Schulting Kranz

Jun 8, 2022

Dr. Julie Shafer is a psychologist and award-winning author who focuses on helping her clients get the life they want by getting the connection with others they know is possible. She wrote Loved: Relationship Rules for Women Who Thought They Knew the Rules after two decades of working with clients on their relationships and going through a few struggles of her own. She believes all problems impact relationships, and problematic relationships impact progress. Learning about ourselves and how to be in relationships is a life-long process, the key to success, and completely doable.

Hello, everyone! Dr. Julie Shafer is on today's show. Today, we get into the 7 relationship rules and how they came about, the importance of giving ourselves permission to prioritise and take responsibility for our self-care, the reality and limitations of being human, and we talk about the ways in which we can do some self-exploration. Julie also talks about the profound effects of these rules on her life, and she gives some words of encouragement to those who are going through traumatic relationships.

Let’s dive in!

In this Episode you’ll learn:

  • [13:45] Who is Julie Shafer?
  • [18:56] What are shadow parts?
  • [20:36] Naming our shadow parts.
  • [21:22] The beautiful part of self-exploration.
  • [23:39] The importance of telling the truth, no matter how difficult it is.
  • [27:40] Assertive communication with a narcissist.
  • [33:07] The importance of watching people’s actions and not just listening to their words.
  • [36:20] Always assume the best in your partner.
  • [39:54] Why we need to know our physical limitations.
  • [45:29] Learning to take responsibility for how we feel.
  • [45:59] The past plays a part, but the present is primary.
  • [51:23] Why kindness matters.
  • [55:45] How the rules have changed Julie’s life.
  • [57:43] Julie’s words of wisdom.



  • “[shadow parts] are the parts we like to put in the basement and lock the door on. Unfortunately, they often don’t agree with being in the basement, and so they show up at times when you least expect them.” [19:03]
  • “If it’s not a ‘hell yes,’ it’s a no.” [22:18]
  • “Tell the truth but do it sooner rather than later.” [23:46]
  • “If the other person isn’t respecting us, it’s not because we didn’t use the right words. It’s because they’re not respecting us.” [29:10]
  • “You know your truth, so stay in your truth.” [32:24]
  • “We’re human. We have limitations.” [39:57]
  • “Being kind is not the same thing as being nice.” [51:44]
  • “We get ourselves into situations where we are so fixated on being nice that we don’t allow other people to experience the consequences of their decisions.” [52:18]
  • “One person cannot repair what it takes two people to work on.” [53:49]
  • “You have what you need within you to heal that. Keep going on that journey, because you’ll get there.” [59:00]


Links Mentioned: 

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Message Sara!