Jun 8, 2022
Dr. Julie Shafer is a psychologist and award-winning author who
focuses on helping her clients get the life they want by getting
the connection with others they know is possible. She wrote
Relationship Rules for Women Who Thought They Knew the Rules
after two decades of working with clients on their relationships
and going through a few struggles of her own. She believes all
problems impact relationships, and problematic relationships impact
progress. Learning about ourselves and how to be in relationships
is a life-long process, the key to success, and completely
Hello, everyone! Dr. Julie Shafer is on today's show. Today, we
get into the 7 relationship rules and how they came about, the
importance of giving ourselves permission to prioritise and take
responsibility for our self-care, the reality and limitations of
being human, and we talk about the ways in which we can do some
self-exploration. Julie also talks about the profound effects of
these rules on her life, and she gives some words of encouragement
to those who are going through traumatic relationships.
Let’s dive in!
In this Episode you’ll learn:
- [13:45] Who is Julie Shafer?
- [18:56] What are shadow parts?
- [20:36] Naming our shadow parts.
- [21:22] The beautiful part of self-exploration.
- [23:39] The importance of telling the truth, no matter how
difficult it is.
- [27:40] Assertive communication with a narcissist.
- [33:07] The importance of watching people’s actions and not
just listening to their words.
- [36:20] Always assume the best in your partner.
- [39:54] Why we need to know our physical limitations.
- [45:29] Learning to take responsibility for how we feel.
- [45:59] The past plays a part, but the present is primary.
- [51:23] Why kindness matters.
- [55:45] How the rules have changed Julie’s life.
- [57:43] Julie’s words of wisdom.
- “[shadow parts] are the parts we like to put in the
basement and lock the door on. Unfortunately, they often don’t
agree with being in the basement, and so they show up at times when
you least expect them.” [19:03]
- “If it’s not a ‘hell yes,’ it’s a no.”
- “Tell the truth but do it sooner rather than
- “If the other person isn’t respecting us, it’s not
because we didn’t use the right words. It’s because they’re not
respecting us.” [29:10]
- “You know your truth, so stay in your truth.”
- “We’re human. We have limitations.”
- “Being kind is not the same thing as being nice.”
- “We get ourselves into situations where we are so
fixated on being nice that we don’t allow other people to
experience the consequences of their decisions.”
- “One person cannot repair what it takes two people
to work on.” [53:49]
- “You have what you need within you to heal that.
Keep going on that journey, because you’ll get there.”
Connect with Julie: